Religious Addiction Questionnaire
By Michael Harmon
BEWARE! A SINISTER FORCE THREATENS OUR CHILDREN! READ ON, FRIEND!

American parents are well aware of the many dangerous addictions to which their children are prone. From cigarette advertisements tempting them to light up for lung cancer to Internet porn sites where the first week's free, there are many ways for a young person to be coerced into strange habits, which cost immense amounts of time and money, and threaten both mental and physical health. Parents have memorizedthe lists of addiction symptoms -- kindly provided by various expert psychologists -- for everything from Air Hockey to Zoop! (a Tetris-like game, which probably ought to be listed among the controlled substances).

However, there is one addiction that parents may not have considered, one that they probably suffer from themselves without even knowing it. Tragically, like many addictions, it passes from parent to child quite effectively, and thus there may be little hope. But if we can screen for this dangerous habit among adults, there is hope that they will be able to wean their newborns off of this dependency. I speak, my friends, of that most sinister of all addictions: Religion.

Yes, many of you probably know a religion addict, and don't even realize it. If you care about your friends, your loved ones, yourself; open your eyes! It's not too late! Take a look at this questionnaire, devised by a crack-team of amateur psychologists consisting of me, with the assistance of real psychological questionnaires for gambling addiction and Internet addiction devised by people with actual degrees in psychology.

1. Do you experience a sense of euphoria, excitementor relief when you go to church?
2. Over time, have you spent more and more time at church, praying or on other religious activity, in order to achieve these feelings?
3. Do you sometimes feel empty, depressed or irritable when you have not been going to church as often as usual?
4. Have you ever missed an appointment because you were too involved with a non-urgent religious activity?
5. Do you feel a need to spend time on religious contemplation every day?
6. If you spend time at your church because you work there, do you reflect on your faith during this time and/or find yourself spending time on non-work religious matters more than twice during the day?
7. Do you routinely read scriptures from a religious text?
8. Do you find it easier to talk to God than to a mortal human?
9. Do friends or family who do not share your faith tell you that you spend too much time in prayer and contemplation?
10. Have your grades dropped or your job performance declined because of your religious involvement?
11. Have you ever tried -- and failed -- to quit your religion?
12. Do your knees sometimes feel numb after prayer?
13. Do you lie about the amount of time you spend on religious activities?
14. Have donations to your church ever interfered with repayment of debts to corporeal creditors?
15. Do you feel that God is more important than your family and friends?
16. Do you engage in devotional activities even when they might interfere with your health? For example, singing hymn swhile suffering from a sore or scratchy throat.
17. Do you crave more contact with the supernatural?
18. Do you skip meals or eat in or near your church so that you can spend more time with God?
19. Do you ever sacrifice personal hygiene, such as shaving or showering to spend time on religious activities?
20. Does practicing your religion require you to alter your sleep patterns at least one day each week?
If you, or anyone you know, would answer yes to 15 or more of these questions, consider sending me money.