The Bible Harness
Fed up with seeing and hearing the secular world around you?
Distracted by attractive young people in temptingly tight clothes?
Despairing at the sinful nature of co-workers?
Horrified by the anti-christian teaching of evolution and critical thinking?
Worry no more! The Bible Harness is now available.
This high-quality harness has been hand-crafted from soft yet strong
leather (also available in simulated-leather for vegetarians)
and is easily adjustable to accommodate a wide range of Bible
weights and sizes, as well as head sizes. Suitable for
holding all interpretations and rewrites of the infallible
ancient scriptures, from the New King James version
to the Book of Mormon.
This elegant and unobtrusive construction of straps and heavy
buckles allows you to tightly clamp your Bible over your face
completely obscuring the outside world and filling your entire
field of view with your favorite passages from the Good Book.
The optional earplugs enable you to eradicate the worldly sounds
that would otherwise distract you from your careful contemplation of
the Holy texts. You can wear it to work, at the shops, around the house,
or even while you sleep. Be the first person in your Church or classroom to have one.
The Bible Harness has many uses, including:
Introducing recalcitrant children to the World of the Lord.
Avoiding any form of meaningful debate with evolutionists.
Never having to think for yourself.
Information filter. Prevents user seeing or hearing anything non-Biblical.
Discretely indicates to others that you are a fellow Christian.
Ignoring any so-called facts or evidence that may contradict the obvious
truth of your beliefs.
Protection from harmful UV light.
And many more!
No longer must you endure non-Bible-related visual stimuli.
The Bible Harness is already a best-seller with Televangelists, Young-Earth Creationists, small town preachers, and many others in the God-fearing, Bible-believing community. Get yours today, and spend your every waking moment reading the loving words of our Creator.
As you can see, the Bible Harness is practically invisible when in use. The strong leather fastenings hold your face tightly to the Inspired Words, which gently cradle your nose and uplift your spirit.
If you purchase one for yourself and your spouse, we'll send you a third, child-size Harness for free! When worn to school, this will prevent your child from being indoctrinated with sinful, secular notions such as scientific literacy, false interpretations of the Bible, and grammar. Don't waste time-call today!
For an extra $10, you can upgrade to a Deluxe Bible Harness, featuring embossed crosses on the straps, gold-plated buckles, and a transparent pocket on the front into which you can insert a selection of cards for others to read, including such inspirational sayings as:
Can't talk--reading Bible.
Have you been saved? I have!
Bible Harness user. Please speak slowly.
I don't need to think-I've got a Bible strapped to my face!
Holier than thou? You bet!
Don't delay! Send for your Bible Harness today!
Warnings and Legal Notices
1. Heavy machinery and vehicles should not be operated whilst wearing the Bible Harness.
If in doubt, pray for guidance.
2. If strapped on too tightly, Bible Harness may restrict blood flow to brain.
If you experience nausea, dizziness, hallucinations, revelations,
or angelic visitations, loosen straps appropriately.
3. In some states, it is still illegal to strap bibles to the heads of unconsenting
wives and children. If this is the case in your state, simply
invoke the Religious Freedom Amendment and inform the
police that they are burdening your expression of religion and you
will be speaking to your lawyer immediately.
4. Children, pregnant mothers and those with heart conditions should not be strapped
into any section of the Old Testament, and certain sections
of the New Testament. See guide enclosed with your Harness.
5. The Bible Harness should not be used for strapping any other object
to any other part of the body. Serious injury and sinning may result,
especially if it feels good.